Me and my ex boyfriend/baby's daddy began dating in fall 2003. I was 17 and entirely naive, and I went out with him because I thought I could have "fun" with him, because he had free access to all the school's biggest parties, free beer, whatever. He ended up falling in love with me. I just got drunk and told him I loved him. I have always cared about him as a person, but I have never been "in love" with him. I tried to break him up with him multiple times, but he always begged and pleaded and was so heartbroken that I never went through with it. I kind of got accustomed to the lifestyle and made a lot of girl friends through my relationship with him, and stayed with him for these reasons. I finally got pregnant, and there came a new reason to stay. So I did. My daughter is now 15 months old. She is the love of my life. But now I am questioning my future, because I know that deep down I don't love her father. We actually "broke up" a week ago over this fact, but we still live together. I really can't afford to live on my own right now, because I am in school full time and only work part time-he makes all the money really. I really don't want to get back together because I don't think it is the right thing for me. But he still loves me, and I know it is breaking his heart. We are both 20, and we have our lives ahead of us. I feel guilty for staying with him for three years when I didn't love him-I know that was wrong. But I don't feel like I can give the rest of my life to him when I don't love him. I have tried to, but he is just not the man I want to be with for the rest of my life, even though I do care about him as my baby's father. I am also worried about my daughter, she should come first, and does that mean try to stay with her father and try to learn to love him and make it work? Should I remain broken up with him, try to secure a full time job, save money, remain in school, and swear off dating until I move out on my own or with girlfriends? This last sentence seems to be the most logical, mature thing to do. Is it? The only thing is that This is the only guy I have ever seriously dated, because of dating him at such a young age and remaining faithful to him. I have never had a relationship where I was really in love, and as any girl would I long for that. I feel like I have given several years of my life away and settled for less than love and I, in my imperfect way, want a man in my life who I am head over heels for. Yet I know it would be wrong to date while I am still living with my ex/baby's daddy, not just in my ex's eyes, but in my daughter's. Wouldn't it? Please offer any honest opinions or advice. Thank you so much.
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